You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July, 2007.
I have no idea what made me start thinking about this book again, when my kids are way past the infant stage. But last night my mind was racing about all the angry thoughts I still hold about the book that made me feel incredibly guilty and sent me into post-partum depression. Yeah, I know it was the hormones and Tyson’s constant evening crying screaming and adjusting to a new baby, but I think the main reason was that all my Christian friends and just about everyone I knew who had had a baby within the previous two years were recommending this book and swearing by its truth and effectiveness. So Tim and I both read it and felt like it was the way we had to parent, in order to be good Christian parents with godly kids. So when I absolutely hated it and every instinct within my body and heart and mind screamed at me to just cuddle with and comfort my baby when he cried (no matter what point in the “schedule” we were at), I felt like a bad mom and a failure. I know it’s my perfectionism and irrational need to be accepted by everyone all the time, and it should not have affected me to the degree that it did, but wow, it still makes me crazy thinking about those few months of my life and it’s been three years since then!
So anyways, blogging has helped me to deal with other issues lately, so I thought I’d do a little technorati search today at naptime and see if anyone else has blogged about babywise. What I found was fascinating and refreshing and comforting! Other people hate babywise too! Even Christians! Hooray! I am justified! I guess the fact that I have amazing, happy, pretty much well-behaved kids that always sleep through the night and have not been raised by babywise parenting is justification enough, of course. But it’s nice to know there are people out there that agree with me. There’s even medical advice from the American Academy of Pediatrics advising against the author’s (Gary Ezzo’s) statements. And a fun blog I found this morning, Tulipgirl, has a week every year dedicated to discussing the babywise controversy, along with lots of posts about it. And this website (www.ezzo.info) would have been wonderful had I known about it three years ago! I’m SO GLAD I threw that book away!! I will never again let a silly book have so much effect on me. And I will continue to pray more and let God be in control of me - not other people, things I read, or my crazy emotions.
In other news, my crazy emotions do continue, but I’m doing better. I feel okay about the church transitions - overwhelmed, but okay. I feel a little guilty for feeling okay and not still mourning the loss of half of my team, but I’m trying not to feel guilty because I know it’s only because God is helping me deal with the changes and giving me hope and peace about the future. And there are some absolutely incredible volunteers stepping up to get us through, which is such a blessing. God is good!
It was such a great week at Super Summer Spectacular! 835 kids and 413 volunteers came and experienced Avalanche Ranch. It was exhausting and crazy, but so much fun. Tyson and Kate came one day with my parents and Tyson is still talking about how “God is awesome!” It’s so cute.
It was not so cute when a few of us were “tarred and feathered” with hershey’s syrup, bird seed, and pillow feathers for a fund-raiser. Yuck! I think there’s still some chocolate in my ear. It’s amazing what people will do for kids!
The 65 hours I worked this week was way too much. It was all worth it, but wow - it’s nice to be back to reality. I loved spending time with my kids today. I missed them!
What do you know?! I am learning some things again. God is having some fun with me - teaching me all these lessons in such a short time. I’m getting a crash course! I’m not sure what the objective of this course is, but I think I’ll come out a wiser, more spiritually mature person, so I’m thankful for His teaching.
What I’m learning this week is that pastors are human. [Gasp!] I guess everyone already knows that, but sometimes I think I expect them to display love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control at all times. Looking at it rationally, of course they can’t do that! They are not Jesus! So I’m learning to have more grace. I’m realizing that sometimes pastors do things that are not what Jesus would do. Sometimes they might even hurt my feelings, and that needs to be okay, because they are not perfect. And neither am I!
I was reminded tonight of my lesson from last week - I need to trust God to take control of everything. Tonight (since I can’t sleep) I am praying that God will guard my words, my thoughts, and my actions, so that I only portray His love and His grace. If I’m feeling hurt or upset, I need God to guide my reaction. I don’t want to retalliate (in my passive-aggressive way) or cry or even vent about it. I just need to pray continually, be understanding, and look to Jesus as my example. I’m also praying that the people who sometimes expect me to be perfect will give me some grace and be understanding when I slip too.
Sooo, it’s Super Summer Spectacular week at church! We’re two nights in and things are going so well. We’ve had over 1000 people come (700+ kids and 300+ volunteers) and it’s been great! There’s tons of energy and excitement and things seem to be going smoothly. I’m so proud of Jennifer and how she’s running things, and I’m really impressed with our many amazing volunteers who have stepped up to help. I’m excited for the next three exhausting but wonderful evenings!
For those of you keeping track of my rollercoaster ride, I am on an upward part today! :) We went to Tim’s baseball game and then had a nice naptime and then my good friend Rachelle who is in town from Arizona came over and we had a great time playing with our kids together. Then the kids and I played outside with Tim’s mom at her house while Tim and his dad golfed. So it was a busy but very fun day.
While I was watching my kids run around today, I kept thinking about how wonderful they are and how blessed I am to have them. I know that’s cheesy, but seriously - I feel like God gave them to me just so I would be able to smile more often. A little known fact among most of my current circle is that I spent about four years on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. But other than a few months of dealing with post-partum after Tyson, I haven’t been on any meds since I got pregnant with Tyson four years ago. I really feel like it’s because my amazing kids keep me from getting down for too long. The last few weeks have been SO hard and so stressful and I’ve felt the ickyness of depression creeping in and have even had close-to-panic-attack moments where I’ve felt like I was going to lose control, but I have been able to pull it together (most of the time) because as soon as I’m able to spend an hour or so with my kids, I start to see life differently. They are hilarious and carefree and they love me unconditionally. They are busy and crazy and exhausting, but they are beautiful and brilliant and I love them more than I ever thought possible. I’m so glad God has entrusted me and Tim with their little lives.
Surprise date night was great! (Thanks for checking in about that, Cori. :)) We went out to dinner and to a movie, and it was so nice to have time to hang out together, catch up on each other’s lives, laugh, and be silly.
Things went well at church on Sunday, and I felt like I had a good handle on things and it was all going to be okay. We spent Sunday afternoon and evening at the baseball field, mostly watching Tyson and Maddie (the other coach’s daughter) playing baseball. I’m pretty sure Tyson is going to get drafted to the major leagues in Jr. High - he’s amazing!
I put the kids to bed Sunday night and fell asleep myself, and slept for ten hours! It was great. I woke up feeling good Monday morning, but about an hour later, the roller coaster started on its way back down.
So yesterday was ridiculous. I couldn’t stop crying the entire day! Ugh. It was so frustrating. Stupid things would set me off and I couldn’t get over them. Too many people needed too many things from me, and I was desperately trying to please everyone and do everything perfectly. But instead of accomplishing it all, I ended up shutting down completely. The worst part of my melt down was at church, so I left and went home for a while, got rejuvenated by my kids, and was able to finish out the evening okay.
I learned some things yesterday: I have to let go of my control issues. I have to be able to entrust some responsibilities to other people. I have to delegate. I have to start saying no to some things that I just can’t commit to right now.
I’ve been trying so hard to carry us through this transition at work, take on more things, and hold it all together. But believing that I could actually do that (while still taking care of my family and having any sanity left) was an impossible task! Not to mention, I was holding on to too much pride, and not having nearly enough faith to realize that God is in control and not me.
So today, I opened my Bible and it fell to a few verses I had highlighted before:
I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:19 - 26
I love that God still loves me even when I don’t trust Him and think I can do everything myself. And I love that He gives me a chance every morning to spend this day trusting Him to take care of my huge to-do list. Instead of going crazy today, I am going to wait quietly for God’s direction, and trust Him in every minute.
Even after all my complaining and bad moodiness yesterday, my wonderful husband surprised me and planned a date night for our anniversary tonight! Yay! He wasn’t supposed to be home until late, but he got the evening off and even asked his parents to babysit for us. I don’t know where we’ll go or what we’ll do, but I’m so excited to have some one-on-one time. I think we have a gift card for the Cheesecake Factory. Yummm…
I reminisced over some wedding pictures this morning. (I wish I had a better quality one to post…) It was a great day. And it’s been an even better six years! :)
I love how my kids can make me so happy, just by being their cute, fun selves. I was in a really bad mood this morning for no particular reason. Well, maybe it was because Tim has practically been living at the baseball field lately… Anyways, I decided to be proactive and called my sister and we ended up meeting at a great park in Sherwood and had such a good time. There was a cool fountain thingy and fun big toys. And it always makes me feel so loved when I hear Taylor (my neice) yell “Wyssa!!” from a half mile away. :)
Now the kids are wiped out and I’m having a little quiet time. So I’m doing much better! When they wake up we’ll head over to the field and pretend to have some family time. I’m so ready for baseball season to end. But I’m sure my amazing kids will keep me smiling for the next few weeks until that happens.
Kate and I had some rocking chair cuddling time tonight before she went to bed, and while we were singing all our favorite songs, I was really enjoying the simple but true messages in them: He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands, This Little Light of Mine (she loves the “won’t let satan [blow] it out” verse :), and Jesus Loves Me. When we sang Jesus Loves Me, I was reminded of one of my most favorite moments ever:
About a year ago my cousin’s daughter, who was one and a half at the time, had surgery to remove a tumor on her temple. It was terrifying and heart-wrenching, especially when they said there was a 99% chance it was cancer. Most of our extended family went to the hospital in Seattle to be there for eachother and to wait for the news of what exactly the tumor was. The doctors called my cousin and her husband into a room, and after what seemed like forever, they finally came out with disbelief on their tear stained faces. My cousin said, “It’s not cancer!” and we all cried and couldn’t believe it at all. My aunt and dad were shouting praises to God and I hugged my kids as tight as I could, thanking God for each second I get to spend with them. It was an incredible moment. But the amazing part of that crazy moment that I remember most is that in the midst of it all, my sweet little Tyson started singing, “Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong.” It was quiet and missed by most of the people around, but I know that God’s Spirit was in my little two-year-old and all over that waiting area. We all knew that God had healed Bella and spared our family from unspeakable grief. He is awesome!!
That Texas blogger girl I mentioned a few posts ago, Anne Jackson, just announced that she’s writing a book! It’s about ministry burn out, and I’m sure it will be amazing. She’s doing a ton of research on people that work in churches, the spouses of church staff, and volunteers. If you’d like to help out with her cool project, you can take a survey - there’s one for each of those groups of people. To learn more about it and take the survey, go to www.madchurchdisease.com. Thanks for your help!
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